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What Is Rough / Hard Sex?

In general, rough sex refers to sexual activity that includes some form of aggressive behaviour. There is often a certain amount of pleasurable pain involved as well as fast and vigorous penetration movement.

It's hard to define because the practice can cover a wide spectrum, from hard kissing to the incorporation of BDSM (bondage-discipline, dominance-submission, sadism-masochism) elements. One person might consider a certain sex act rough that another person does not. It's also crucial to note that it involves consenting adults. If not all parties are fully, even enthusiastically, consenting, that’s not rough sex. That’s assault and a very serious crime. The desire for aggressive sex is both normal and common. Many people have BDSM-related fantasies or have experimented with some form of BDSM play. A survey of more than 700 young people discovered just how prevalent it is.

Though it may or may not involve specific kinks. rough sex is not vanilla sex. It’s about becoming mutually aroused by a physical intensity that’s absent from more tender forms of sex.

The definition of Rough / Hard Sex: It’s “fucking” instead of “making love.”

In physical terms, rough sex might integrate BDSM-style behaviours like hair pulling, spanking, slapping and choking, though it may simply involve the basic actions of one partner holding and penetrating another partner, done with more force and intensity.

In either case, gone are the tender caresses and sweet murmurs. In their place are rough gestures and stern commands. The tone of rough sex is different than the sweet, sultry allure of vanilla sex. Rough sex gets physical and it can get vigorous, and the physical intensity of it can also be emotionally intense, too!

There may also be an element of role-playing to it. Whether you are pretending to be specific characters or not, if you’re having rough sex you may be acting as either a Dom or a sub in ways that don’t necessarily line up with your personality in general. You may, in the moment, really enjoy being rough with your partner — or having them be rough with you — even though your relationship is typically characterised by tenderness.

If all of that sounds interesting, then trying rough sex is probably something you’d enjoy. And, at the right time, with the right partner, it can be a lot of fun and can bring you closer. It’s also a great way to work out some feelings and let your partner know about another, more exciting, side of your personality — whether you want to give or receive the roughness — that you maybe feel you can’t show in real life. But in the bedroom, between consenting partners, this is where you have a little fun getting rough.

Sexual consent

Consent means agreement to have sexual activity. Enthusiastic consent is saying "yes" to something vs. not saying "no." You can communicate what you want with body language, but it's best to say it out loud, so there's no room for confusion.

With rough sex, it's especially important to give and get consent for specific acts. Before you take it up a notch, ask, "Is this OK?" and be sure to get a "yes" or other spoken approval. Keep checking in to make sure you're still on the same page, and make it clear that it's OK to dial it back or stop at any time. And remember that just because you've done something once, doesn't mean you automatically agree to do it again.

Legally, there are different rules about what consent looks like and what activities are out of bounds.

Other Names for Rough / Hard Sex

There are several other adjectives that people might use to talk about rough sex. These include: Aggressive sex; Forceful sex; Hardcore sex; Kinky sex; Passionate sex; Violent sex; Because these terms can mean different things to different people, it’s extra important to check in with prospective partners to make sure that you’re on the same page about what kinds of activities are OK. Also, even though some people use the words “violent” and “forceful,” remember that consent is absolutely necessary and should never be assumed.

Sex Community

Don't be surprised if you tell your partner you want to get kinky and they aren't into it. For a lot of people, it's a taboo activity, and researchers have found that many people who take part in BDSM have experienced shaming and judgment.

But there's a whole community out there of people who like the same things you do, and there are plenty of safe spaces to explore your interests. A quick internet search will turn up BDSM websites, podcasts and other media, and groups that interact both in person and online. Try terms like "kink community," "fetish community," or "erotic community."

There are social media platforms that cater to the BDSM community, including Fetish.com and FetLife. Joining one of them can put you in touch with like-minded people and give you access to gatherings and other events in your area.

Talk About Sex

Communication about sex is always an important part of a healthy relationship, but it's even more important when it comes to rough sex. It's easy to get “caught up in the moment,” making it a good idea to discuss boundaries beforehand. You should come up with a safe word that anyone can say to stop the action at any time. Letting your partner know what you want can be arousing both before and during sex/role play. Dirty talk can be a safe way of pushing boundaries and inviting others into your fantasies.

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Your anal hole is going to be screwed!